Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
