Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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