my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
