I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
