I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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