Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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