Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
