she woke up with a sticky ear
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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