Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
