i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
