I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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