someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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