You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
