either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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