My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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