The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
