best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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