I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
