I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
