On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
