just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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