I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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