well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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