I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
