She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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