I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
