i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
