How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize