I want to make a zoo with you.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
