If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
