My underwear smells like fireworks.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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