I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize