Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize