did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
