Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
