the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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