you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
