Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
