The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
