Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
