i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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