Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
