Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He? As in you personified your dick?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
