You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
