So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
