Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
