There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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