how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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