his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
