He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.