you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I AM VODKA MAN
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.