Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
