My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
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He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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