I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
